Over the last two years the Covid-19 pandemic has presented enormous challenges to each and everyone of us. One of the most difficult experiences for some of us has been the sudden loss of a loved one/s. This article will help you to navigate grief and understand the dynamics of coping with the different stages of the grief process.
The death of a close loved one can turn a person’s ‘normal life’ upside-down. One cannot go back to how things were before the loss; they can only go forward. However most have no idea where forward will take them, while new, intense and unpredictable emotions can make navigating grief seem impossible.
Although there are no directions, checklists or black -and-white answers to grief, a general understanding of what grief is and what it is not, what is typical and expected and what can help provides those grieving with a sense of normality, hope and encouragement.
They say: ‘the first year of grief is the worst’, like everything in grief, however, this is not always true. This period in unimaginable, the world you knew and looked forward to with someone you loved has shattered and no amount of ‘emotional glue’ can put it back together. Every week brings new ‘firsts’ that we must face alone. Part of the devastation of these ‘firsts’ and what distresses us the most is the contrast between present and past. Things can feel the same and yet completely different. The person we love is missing, the world is still turning but they are not in it.
Mourning is what we do on the outside, grief is what is on the inside, no one can ‘see’ the pain our hearts feel and this is a pain we cannot share. Everyone grieves in their own and very unique way – as unique as a fingerprint – no one persons grief is the same as another’s. The pain we experience can feel unbearable. Understandably, grief is complicated and we sometimes wonder if the pain will ever end. We experience a variety of emotions such as anger, confusion and profound sadness.
The Five Stages of Grief
A theory developed by the psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross suggests that we go through five distinct stages of grief after the loss of a loved one: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.
Denial
This first stage helps us to minimise the overwhelming pain of loss, as we begin to process the reality of our loss, we are also trying to survive the emotional pain. It can be hard to believe or accept that we have lost such an important person in our lives, especially when we may have just spoken to them in the last hour or day, seen them off to work or said goodnight before sleep. Our minds are flooded with painful imagery, and we are left wondering how to move forward in life without our loved one. Denial attempts to slow down and take us through the process gradually rather than risk the potential of feeling overwhelmed by our emotions.
Anger
It is common to experience anger after the loss of a loved one. We are trying to adjust to a ‘new’ reality and are likely to experience emotional discomfort and distress. There is so much to process at this time, anger can feel like it is giving us an emotional outlet. It allows us to express emotion with less fear of judgement or rejection. Unfortunately, anger tends to be the first thing we feel when we start to release emotions related to loss. It can leave us feeling isolated in our own experience and we may be perceived as unapproachable to others at a time when what we most need is support, comfort, connection and reassurance.
Bargaining
When coping with loss it is not unusual to feel so desperate that you are willing to do almost anything to alleviate or minimise the pain and distress, we are experiencing. Bargaining can come in a variety of promises including:
‘God, if you can heal … will turn my life around’
‘I promise to do better if you will let … live’
‘I will never get angry again if you can stop …from leaving me’
When bargaining starts to take place, we are often directing our requests to a ‘Higher Power’. The feeling of helplessness can cause us to react in protest by bargaining, which gives us a perceived sense of control over something that feels so totally out of our control.
It is common also to recall times when we may have said things we did not mean and wish we could go back and behave differently.
Depression
During our experience of processing grief, there comes a time when our imaginations calm down and we regain homeostasis, and we slowly start to look at the reality of our present situation. We begin to feel the loss of our loved one more abundantly. In these moments, we tend to pull inwards as the sadness grows. Although this is a natural stage of grief, dealing with depression after the loss of a loved one can be extremely isolating.
Acceptance
When we come to a place of acceptance, it is not that we no longer feel the pain of loss, however, we are no longer resisting the reality of our situation and are not struggling to make it something different.
Sadness and regret can still be present but the emotional survival tactics of denial, bargaining and anger are less likely to be present.
Please remember that not everybody will experience these stages automatically – grief may also be delayed for some people.
Your pain in unique to you, your relationship to the person you lost is unique and the emotional processing can feel different to each person. It is acceptable for you to take the time you need and remove any expectation of how you should be performing as you process your grief.
The next article will explore strategies of coping and how to help when others are grieving.