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Untitled in grief

(My name lies where water flows

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And clouded minds dwell.)

Crying my birth to the world since my first breath.

Agony deep within my heart since my first word.

Sitting on an empire of dirt where words flit to goad.

I cry my tragedy to a deaf crowd insensitive.

Fee Fie Foe Fum, coping mechanisms written in my verses,

But Green eyes said it would be ok… Just rhyme the pain away.

I grieve different.

A cacophony was the symphony of your love.

Breaking my harmony just for practice.

Raising your tonality to jolt my balance.

I was deaf to your false chord as your tune trembled my notes.

Looking for “I love you” in your blare words was like

Looking for a survivor under a heap of dead bodies.

Growing accustomed, my skin grew thicker, learning that being

sensitive never helped.

  Tone-deaf to romance made my relationships seem cloudy as

I reject the warmth of love,

But Green eyes said I would be ok…. Just sex the pain away.

I grieve different.

The stains of time longing in my heart

Like fungi englobing a rock.

Distorted voices lying to me, infiltrating my

mind,

Gaslighting my future with sweet syllables.

Sheep with wolves’ coats hiding in the shadows

Trying to mimic your steps to steal your life,

Or am I trapped in the reflection of a broken mirror?

So, I hurt myself to see if I still feel the needle poking,

piercing my skin

To tickle my heart. Unfortunately, my mind was too clouded

to see the remorse,

But Green eyes said I would be ok… Just smoke the pain away.

I grieve different.

I am sensitive. I feel everything. I feel everybody.

The pains that I hide are buried beneath these words

Like the Leviathan under the deep blue sea.

My first tough decision, hiding in the

shadows,

Clinging to my soul as my only critic.

Judging my every move behind the curtains.

Years later, trauma has resurfaced.

Pains that I hid, stepping out of the shadows,

Reminding me of how the traumas made me feel.

I feel uneasy, water watching, lingering in pang.

To this day I cannot look into my reflection’s eyes,

Guilt has taken over…

I have never felt grief since I never felt it sober.

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