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An Interview with Tant Rasion (Grocery Bag)

BHAWNA ATMARAM

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 Needless to say that our humble Tant Rasion has become one of the most talked about features locally. There is not a single day when it does NOT make the headlines. In fact, after Cinderella, it has turned into a veritable reality rags-to-riches success story. From its humble beginnings stemming from Chinese grocery stores, Tant Rasion has now moved to bigger pastures; megamalls! For some, grass is definitely greener on the other side and Tant Rasion is the perfect embodiment of that.  This new celebrity in town is highly sought after due to its debut into the most expensive items list globally and its ascension is projected to keep exploding exponentially. There is no stopping this phenomenon.

 

As you can imagine, it is not easy to get the opportunity to interview Tant Rasion. However, showing my Visa Platinum card to the merciless bouncers guarding the doors at one of the most exclusive supermarkets of the country did manage to pacify them. After some intense seconds of negotiations, I was ushered into the air-conditioned courtroom of the mall and Tant Rasion was seated on a golden throne, lavishly feeding on some imported strawberries, dipped into Greek yoghurt.  I was courteously directed to a seat and below are some salient extracts from the interview.

 

Dear Tant Rasion, how are you doing?

 

Oh, I’ve never felt any better darling! You see, I’ve managed to inspire so many people who are struggling on their weight-loss journeys. You know how pot-bellied I was! (Laughs indulgently). I could hardly move on my own due to my weight. Remember how you struggled to carry me? But now, you can see the difference. I am now slim and trim and companies are after me like crazy to endorse their stupid detox teas or coffees. I am effortlessly chic and slender and won’t sell my soul for these stupid detox products. Despite how the amount of cash I consume, I am lighter. There’s no need for me to resort to a gastric sleeve surgery! Ha ha!

 

That’s great to hear. What are your future professional ventures?

 

Well, I am planning to participate in Dodoland’s Next Top Model Edition. I’m so worth it! As you are aware, it’s no easy feat juggling television interviews, radio shows and magazine photoshoots. I so need a spa treat! Many a time, my love handles hurt after a long day out. (Winks mischievously). I have recently been nominated as our national economic envoy and will be out of the country for the next six months. You’d better watch this space. Big surprises coming up soon!

 

Has your success story made you any enemies?

 

(Sighs deeply and stares blankly ahead for a long minute)

Loads and loads of enemies, my dear. I know people admire me tremendously but there are so many hypocrites out there…ruining my image…

 

Hypocrites?

 

Of course. Our country is riddled with them. These little corner shops which couldn’t keep up with the huge malls out there have accused me of treason. Really? I have been loyal for centuries. People never recognised me for who I was. They managed to buy goods to fill me up on credit. I never said a word. Can you imagine the pain of being taken for granted, of being a mere sack which they unceremoniously dumped into a dark corner once they reached home? My heart bleeds…It was humiliating for me to hold mundane little items which were paid for days later. Sardines? Soap bars! Oh my god! But I’ve claimed my dignity back. You need something, you pay instantaneously! I am no longer easy bucks!

 

Surely, you must have so many supporters…

 

You bet my sack! It’s not random that I have become a household name. The private companies which import my spare parts are chuffed to bits. They sing my praises daily. Good for them! Oh, did you know that the Screwing Trading Company (STC) is my biggest supporter till date? It has been dormant for a long time. (Laughs devilishly). Behind the curtains, it is involved with local well-established family cartels, while pretending to slash prices on some basic imports. It’s all a big show which is lucrative, nonetheless…

 

You must denounce the incompetence of the STC (Screwing Trading Company) then!

 

How incredibly naïve you are! Aren’t you a sweet darling! These are the ways of business. Ruthless. You need to use all your weapons to survive. In my case, I simply suck it up because it helps my cause. The STC emerges as the saviour of the population, despite decades of mismanagement and I manage to get into the good books of the customers. Ah, appearances! Anyway, I will consent to gain a few pounds for you lot; discounted prices for oil, milk or pulses. For the rest, just blame the Ukraine war. And COVID. So convenient. So generic that it has become the norm.

 

 

Any words for those who have deserted you?

 

To those so-called consumer protection units, stop being so condescending! Armchair tactics are so obsolete! Get your fangs out or get out!

And to the basmati rice, canned foods, pulses, blueberries, dairy products, meat and poultry: it’s YOUR loss, not mine! In fact, your decline in popularity is fuelling my worth even more!

And you, ungrateful people! Your cholesterol level will go down, thanks to me! Stop consuming oil like crazy. Airfry, don’t fry…for goodness’ sake! Go back to subsistence farming. Grow your own crops! Stop blaming me…

 

Okay, we get it! Any closing remarks?

 Get used to living without the big version of me. It’s done and dusted. The past is the past. There’s no going back. I am like that elusive butterfly, with my wings taking me higher and higher…

But will my platinum card do the trick to woo you back?

 

Ha ha! Money is the root of all evil! If you have money, I’ll follow your shadow like the devil! I shall never forsake those who have the means to lure me. Romance is not dead!

 

 

 

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