SUBVERTING THE FAIRY TALES: The Tale of Brave Warrior Agent Baw-Baw and Prince Flowery Petal

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a young prince. When he was born, he was such a lovely but frail baby that his parents decided to name him Flowery Petal. He was so precious to his parents, King Ultra-Daft and Queen Super-Tears, that he was never allowed out of their sight, or earshot!
While he was growing up, tales about his beauty had spread to all the surrounding countries. Indeed, he had deep vivid beautiful brown eyes, thick dark hair, and the softest, most melodious voice ever, even sweeter than that of a nightingale. His hands were delicate, his feet dainty, his skin soft as velvet and he excelled in the fine arts like drawing and painting and talking to the flowers in the Royal Garden as well as organizing tea-parties. His favourite retreat was the family library, where he lost himself in the evergreen fairy tales such as ‘Cinderella throws her crystal slippers at the Prince’ or ‘Snow White spits the apple at the seven dwarfs.’ When he did not day-dream, he would dream about brave young princesses who would save the world and him, if anything untoward were to happen!
Prince Flowery Petal, being the apple of his parents, was spoilt-rotten. He wore the most extravagant designer clothes (Dior and Chanel were his favourites) and had a particular liking for Jimmy Choo or Louboutin shoes (which were meant for the female clientele but being a prince, he could not care any less!). He also badly wanted the David Beckham effect as portrayed on the billboards, so he clad himself in Armani boxer shorts, though nobody had the guts to tell him that the effect was nil! True to his name, Prince Flowery Petal also made sure that he exuded the best scent possible all the time, which was the reason why he regularly sprayed himself with ‘Beautiful Sheer’ (by Estee Lauder). He also went to the beauty parlour every Saturday, without fail, for his waxing, manicure and pedicure sessions and most importantly of all, to catch up with the latest gossips around town with the other men.
It so happened that one fine day, when he was around thirty years old, Prince Flowery Petal was feeling very angry, as opposed to his generally sweet tender disposition. What had happened was that Queen Super-Tears had forgotten to sing a lullaby to him the previous night and the prince felt dejected and hurt. His eyes brimming with tears, he walked to the Royal Garden, sat down and poured out his feelings to the roses. Poor soul! At the same time, a wicked, scrawny, ugly, measly, crooked-nosed witch (aka Wonka Witch) who was riding by on her moped saw the prince and gosh, it was love at first sight for her! Her heart started beating a samba, then a rumba, then a mad tango. At that moment in time, she knew that she had to have him or else her existence would be futile and empty! So, she jumped off her moped….and to cut a long story short, let us just say that she kidnapped Prince Flowery Petal and kept him prisoner in a damp, dark cell until the wedding day which was scheduled the very next day! Blame the unpractical, high-heeled Louboutins which prevented Flowery Petal from escaping from the clutches of Wonka Witch!
Now, needless to say that the King and Queen were devastated and wanted their sweet darling son back. However, nobody was brave enough to face Wonka Witch, whose secret weapon was turning all those who dared oppose her into a Mars Bar. The Commander of the Royal Army was scared out of his wits and all the other soldiers did not want to be transformed into Mars Bars (though being turned into a Snickers Bar would have been more acceptable because it included nuts!) So, there was despair at the Royal Court and everybody was praying for that special someone to save the prince from the forthcoming hell of marriage to Wonka Witch.
Suddenly, like a miracle, lo and behold, came along THE ONE who could free them from their misery. The screeching of the tyres of the shiny metallic-coloured Lamborghini had everyone on their feet. The door opened and out hopped a tall, beautiful, young girl, dressed in an exquisite black matching ensemble of leather jacket, pants and boots. She had exotic features, her eyes were determined (she had killer looks), her hair was dark and flowing in the wind, her lips luscious and her walk was confident and supreme as she introduced herself as Agent Baw-Baw, who was willing to save the prince at the peril of her life. When her name was mentioned, everyone was on their feet, prosterning themselves in front of her. Indeed, Agent Baw-Baw was THE ONE who was daring and brave enough in the entire kingdom who had made it her personal mission to track down baddies, and save the meek goodies….or, let us just say that she gets a kick out of kicking the butts of the baddies! She had a no-nonsense attitude that commanded the respect and admiration of everyone she met. The story about the kidnapping of Flowery Petal had spread over the internet and Facebook at an amazing speed and Agent Baw-Baw did not hesitate for a single second. So, with her Model 500 S&W Magnum (which is a revolver) in one hand, she gave the weeping royal pair the assurance that she would rescue their son. Then, she set off for Wonka Witch’s, whose ultra-luxurious house was found at Chocolate Fountain Cybercity.
Soon, Agent Baw-Baw reached the witch’s house, which was in fact a twenty-storey building! Now, how was she to find the prince? That was a tricky question! Fortunately, she had read in the celebrity gossip columns that Flowery Petal wore ‘Beautiful Sheer’ (by Estee Lauder) so she used her keen sense of smell to detect him. Wonka Witch was sleeping at that time and had inadvertently left the front door open, so Agent Baw-Baw had no problems in finding the way to the prince’s cell. She used her revolver to break the lock and out crawled a tired, crying Prince Flowery Petal who was so grateful to get out of his misery after four hours of being locked up! However, when he saw who his rescuer was, he was so overcome (the Wow factor!) with a myriad of poignant feelings (love, admiration, awe all mixed together like in a biryani) that he screamed out loud, waking Wonka Witch from her deep slumber in the process. The old hag rushed to the scene of the hassle and drew out her weapon to turn Agent Baw-Baw into a Mars Bar. After all, her marriage was at stake and she risked staying a spinster for life! But Agent Baw-Baw had another trick in her D & G bag. She coolly fished out a compact mirror and reflected it at the laser light that was emanating from Wonka Witch’s weapon. And slushhhhhh! Wonka Witch turned into a Mars Bar and that was the end of her.
Once again, to cut to the chase, Prince Flowery Petal was re-united with his parents and his mother promised to sing to him a lullaby for the rest of her life, which cheered the prince up! There was a grand feast and guess what, Wonka Witch’s chocolatey remains were served as dessert. Agent Baw-Baw was made Member of the Brave Empire (MBE) and Prince Flowery Petal, who saw in her the woman of his dreams, proposed marriage to her in the presence of all and promised to be the perfect house-husband who would look after their household, do all the chores and be the perfect daddy to their children (when and if that would happen!).
At this point folks, I hate to tell you that this is not a fairy tale, but simply a tale. Agent Baw-Baw turned down the wedding proposal and said that her true vocation lay in kicking the hell of out baddies. Leaving Prince Flowery Petal inconsolably sobbing in the lap of his mother (with Leona Lewis’ song ‘Keep Bleeding Love’ playing in the background), she turned her back and strode to her Lamborghini in the sunset, ready to rescue other princes in need….